Instructions from a coffee mug on a very awkward morning

Drink me, drink me, my black bubbles bursting into smaller bubbles like those scientists say. You think there's no rush, no hurry, no urgency? Well my friend, this is a very urgent situation. What is it that you wanted to say? Admit it, come on say it. You want to, you know you do. That's why you're clutching me like a beat-up stress ball. Have a sip...there. Didn't that feel reassuring? Now say it. Don't stare at me, look that way. It's a wall, I know, with a portrait. Oh look, the portrait is just as nervous as you are. Don't look so glad. And don't look out the window! There's nothing there but ants and beetles. Hey, HEY! Take a s--

...

--ip.

Ok that sip took too long. It's not like I'm getting cold. Are you? Feeling cold? Maybe if you say something from that pool of thoughts simmering in your head...

JUST SAY IT! SAY IT!

... ... ...

I'm cold now, you know. You hate me when I'm cold. There's no punch, there's no burst. You missed it, the punch I mean. Not the punch, the chance! Dammit, stop stuttering. You got too much punch from me now you're just flying on a kite. Here's what you're going to do.

Let's just see where this goes.

n reasons why I prefer rug burns to whip bruises

On the question of munching versus sucking, I now have answers legitimized by experience, and well...experience.

n+1=pound pound pound unh unh unh uuuuuunh...was I good?

n=I think I'm too chafed to answer that question.

n+2=if the ratio of knob gobbling vs carpet munching in your relationship is lower than 5:1...you are one lucky bitch.

n+3=disco sticks like to go deep, deep deep deep, like your asshole deep, only your throat. Do you really think skull fucking is sexy? Raise your hand and let me punch you in the face.

n+4=let's talk serious here. No guy will ever want to come on a towel after the perfect blow job. Raise your hand if you do, or if your hookup did. The three seconds before they come, your face becomes target practice for that creamy warm gob of protein and hydrolytic enzymes. Really not good for your face there.

n+5=your boobs are also targets. In fact, I don't know if not swallowing is the lesser of the two evils. What do you think?

n+6=knobs never last as long as a cunt, or last too long, then your face becomes target practice.

n+7= that long, juicy stalk may be making creamy honey syrup in the early stages, but you know the end result is more like bad yogurt that's been left out in the sun and treated with Tide and and sulfuric acid.

Admit it, cum tastes like what a feminist revolution tastes like to the boys club, like battery acid to even the most trained taste buds. Nobody wants battery acid on their faces, or down their throats, with the exception of gay men whose taste buds have evolved to confuse the taste of cum with the taste of sweet florida oranges, acids included.

At least with a feminist revolution, there will be more fag hags to choose from.

Clear steamy juice on the other hand...